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Sound Archive
Here is a collection of the funniest sounds taken directly from the television to you, and the archive has been newly updated! Now, TEN MEGABYTES of sounds are available. These are the crème de la crème, the best there is. I will only place the best sounds on this page and nothing less. If you know of any sounds that really should belong on this page but aren't, mail me. Here they are, that which you have all been waiting for, the sounds of The Simpsons.


hell.wav22KB"Thank you for coming! I'll see you in hell [gun shots]"
noenglish.wav77KB"I do not speak English."
SargPep.wav38KBSinging: "I'm Seargant Pepper's lonely Hearts Club Man!"
twinky.wav37KB"Silly customer! You cannot hurt a twinky!"


Burp.wav6KBBarney Burps
stopped.wav37KB"Uh oh, my heart just stopped. . . . . Ah there it goes."


butt.wav30KB"Why would anyone want to touch a girl's butt?"
damned.wav27KB"You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."
makeit.wav50KB"It's like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it . . ."


dikkity.wav73KB" . . .We had to say dikkity, cause the Kaiser had stolen our word for twenty. . . ."
germpln.wav64KB"I never thought I could shoot down a german plane, but last year I proved myself wrong."
outhouse.wav19KB"I'm going to the outhouse." "We don't have an outhouse." "Ahhh, my toolshed!"
outlives.wav49KB". . .greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I never understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it! Heh heeh!"

Groundskeeper Willy

chalk.wav109KB"Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms." "I warned ye! Didn't I warn ye! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!"
singing.wav65KBSinging: "When life is getting you dowm and your're felling lonely ye can always gooo., Ach! Downtown!"
waters.wav111KB"And that's how Willie waters. Now, you take the hoose . . ."


Doodoo.wav284KB"All whil everyone else is going 'Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo'"
IOUdnt.wav36KB"Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead of me!"
backkill.wav44KB"All right brain, let's do this so I can get back to killing you with beer."
beer.wav16KB"Oh, there's only one beer left and its Bart's."
beerkill.wav131KB"Oh Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire. Beer kill's brain cells. Now let's go back to that . . . place, where ours beds and TV. . . is."
bees.wav51KB" . . . Dogs with bes in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you?"
blakjack.wav68KB"19" "Hit me" "20" "Hit me" "21" "Hit me" "22" "D'oh!"
blubber.wav41KB"Woo hoo, look at that blubber fly!"
brndont.wav116KB"We're going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has." "Nooooooo! It's not fair."
clever.wav65KB"There it is Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it." "D'oh!"
comps.wav67KB"When it comes to compliments women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters always wanting more, more, MORE!"
computer.wav21KB"No time for that now, the computer's starting!"
cube.wav162KB"Here are your messages: You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube. . . "
devil.wav118KB"I'm smarter than the devil!"
dream.wav37KB"Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the American Dream?"
eatthem.wav27KB"Evil space aliens. Don't eat me: I have a wife and kids! Eat them!"
evilhome.wav94KBSinging: "I am evil Homer! . . ."
flntstne.wav99KBA parody of the Flintstones theme song.
fourweek.wav54KB"The plant called. They said if you don't come in tommorow don't bother coming in Monday." "Woo hoo! Four day Weekend!"
frogurt.wav227KB"Take this object, but beware, it carries a terrible curse." "Oooh, that's bad." "But it comes with a free frogurt . . ."
hoedown.wav61KB"Lisa, never, EVER, stop in the middle of a hoedown."
litlslo.wav187KB"They said I was, get this: A LITTLE SLOW! . . ."
losebran.wav17KB"Me lose brain? Uh oh"
maganim.wav129KB"Dad, those all come from the same animal!" "That's right, Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal."
meow.wav45KBSinging: "Meow meow meow meow."
mrburns.wav86KB"Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me." "All right, Mr. Burns. Uhh, what's your first name?" "I don't know"
muppet.wav55KB"Dad, what's a muppet?" "Welll, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but maaan. So to answer your question I don'y know."
newmex.wav8KB"Hey, there's a NEW mexico."
nofree.wav105KB"If you want anything in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the winning lottery numbers."
notv.wav100KB"No TV and no beer make Homer something something." "Go crazy?" "Don't mind if I do . . . "
openmoth.wav139KB"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." "What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid. Takes one to know one! Swish!"
peanut.wav209KB"Twnty dollars! I wanted a peanut!" "Twenty dollars can buy you many peanuts . . ."
plow.wav32KBThe Mr. Plow theme song.
poker.wav222KB"They're dogs, and they're playing poker! . . ."
q-tip.wav15KB"Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-tip."
question.wav151KB"You have three questions." "Are you really the head of the Quik-E-Mart?" "Yes" "Really?" "Yes" "You?" "Yes. Thank you, come again."
robot.wav39KB"You'd have to be pretty desparate to make it with a robot."
sandwedg.wav105KB"Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open faced club -- A sandwedge!" "Mmmm, open-faced club sandwedge"
smart.wav133KBSinging: "I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T . . ."
sorny.wav45KB"I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one. And there's Magnetbox, and Sorny."
stats.wav57KB"All people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of all people know that."
therm.wav19KB"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
thmpsn.wav103KB" . . . Hello, Mr. Thompson." "I think he's talking to you."
tummy.wav31KBSinging: "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy, and I feel like loving you."
warning.wav57KB"If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets, and see the game Sunday morning." "Warning, tickets should not be taken internally." "See, because of me, now they have a warning."
weasel.wav103KB"Don't discourage the boy, Marge, weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel."
wedding.wav34KB"What is a wedding? Well, Webster's ictionary defines a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden."
woohoo.wav8KB"Woo hoo!"

Krusty the Klown

badchecks.wav78KB"Evry time you watch my show, I will send you forty dollars!" "Checks will not be honored."
better.wav63KB"I coulda pulled a better cartoon outta my aa-a-a hey whoa, wasn't that great kids!"
laugh.wav36KBKrusty's laugh.


atom.wav58KB"Up and atom!" "Up an at them!
nothing.wav123KB"The goggles do nothing!"
silly.wav49KB"My next movie is a mixture of action and comedy. It's called McBain, Let's Get Silly"


breakleg.wav182KB"Because you don't have any collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance."
liedetec.wav148KBThe lie detector scene in the "Who shot Mr. Burns?" episode
ovrthr.wav184KB"Hey Moe, look over there." "What, what am I looking at? I'm gonna stop looking soon . . ."

Montgomery Burns

germans.wav183KB"Ooooh, the germans are mad at me . . ."
plague.wav120KB"As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague."
scoop.wav65KB"Give me the ice cream scoop." "Ice cream scoop?" "Damn it, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgury!"
vest.wav328KBThis is the entire "See my Vest" Song. It's over two minutes long.

Ned Flanders

donefor.wav126KB"We're done for! We're done-diddly-done for . . ."

The Wiggums

912.wav30KB"No, you have the wrong number. This is 91 . . . 2"
DOA.wav279KB"Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news: Your husband was found DOA. Oh my God, he's dead! No! I mean DWI . . . I always get those two mixed up."
Drifted.wav11KB"It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel"
Crooked.wav88KB"You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops. They are! Oh no, have they set a date?"
Infltble.wav47KB"Just get one of those inflatable women, but make sure it's a woman, cause one time I, uh . . ."
Murder.wav69KB"My husband's on a murderous rampage, over. Oh, it's a good thing that's over, I was worried there for a minute."
Pulp.wav552KBA hilarious Pulp Fiction parody
Worm.wav107KB"Miss Hoover! My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one?"
english.wav32KB"Me fail English? That's unpossible."
flutin.wav66KB". . .And Ralph wiggum with a flute up his nose. [flute noises] That's some nice flutin' boy."


gladys.wav29KBTroy McClure: "I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as, 'Today We Kill, Tommorow We Die,' and 'Gladys, the Groovy Mule.'"
bueno.wav26KBBee Guy: "Ay! No es bueno!
catch.wav288KBEverybody: This is almost every character's catch phrase.
cosby.wav92KBBill Cosby: "Hey Kids! Meet Grandpa Murphy!" "But we have three Grandpas already." "This one's a great Jazz musician."
dohdeer.wav216KBHomer, Lisa, and Marge: "D'oh!" "A deer!" "A female deer!"
drnick.wav38KBDr. Nick: "Hi Everybody!" "Hi, Dr. Nick."
elephant.wav189KBPeanut Factory Manager: "This is the moment we all feared! Many of you thought it would never happen. But I insisted we spend two hours training for it every morning. Many of you requested to me transfered to a different peanut factory . . ."
robotcar.wav69KBLenny and Carl: "Hey! Look, Homer's got one of those robot cars!" "One of those AMERICAN robot cars."
scratchy.wav163KBThe Itchy and Scratchy Theme Song
softball.wav444KBThe Softball Song
stoncutt.wav473KBThe Stonecutters Theme Song
testes.wav20KBLunch Lady Doris: "More testicles means more iron."
walletinsp.wav79KBSnake: "Uh, Wallet Inspector" "Here you go, I believe everything's in order." "I can't believe that worked!"
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Still Picture Archive
This is a collection of all the images, plus a few more, found on my web page. This area is designed to make it easy to get all the great images you see on this web site. Despite the fact that this area is called the "Still Picture Archive," it also includes a couple of animated GIFs. If you have any stills that you have a burning desire to contribute, mail me.Enjoy! (Note: If you want to download the picture, right mouse click on the link and select "save or save as." Left mouse clicking will show you the image but it won't save it to your hard disk)

logos.jpg32KBIt's the "The Simpsons" logo you see at the top of this page minus the word, "Vault"
itchy.gif19KBThis is an animated Itchy and Scratchy repeatedly hitting each other with mallets
krusty.gif1KBA Krusty the Klown icon
lisa89.gif7KBAn animated Lisa walking and carrying her saxophone
maggie.jpg8KBMaggie standing
maggie2.gif6KBMaggie hugging the TV
tinyfull.gif30KBMaggie walking (animated)
marge2.gif3KBMarge standing
newbart.jpg10KBBart standing
wiggum.gif1KBCheif Wiggum icon
apu.gif1KBApu icon
barney.gif2KBBarney icon
blvd.jpg23KBA Simpsons parody of a famous painting, Nighthawks
board.jpg9KBBart riding a skateboard
body3d.gif5KBHomer in 3D (full body view)
car.gif39KBThe entire Simpsons family in a car
bart-n-g.jpg39KBA Simpsons parody of Michaelangelo
donut1.gif10KBHomer eating his donut head (animated)
homer3.gif2KBHomer standing
grampa.gif1KBGrampa icon
ned.gif1KBNed Flanders icon
moe.gif1KBMoe icon
burns.gif1KBMr. Burns icon
willy.gif1KBGroundskeeper Willy icon

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